This halftime show performance by a group of Pop Idol losers from the Netherlands just overtook Roseanne Barr’s disgraceful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner as the most painful thing I’ve ever listened to in my life. The only thing worse than the singing in this video is the third guy from the lefts dance moves. Seriously, what are you thinking?

As is the case with any much anticipated release date, the usual crowds of excited fanboys and eBay vultures have converged on Apple stores around the country for the release of the Apple iPhone. Since every nuance of Apple’s latest offering to the tech world has been covered in nauseating detail for the past few months, I’ll spare you my own opinion on the topic. Instead, I offer you a hilarious video of the consequences of being a greedy idiot.

 
I think it’s fair to say that this woman’s business prowess wasn’t bankrolling today’s $100,000 trip to the Apple store. The only regret I have is not being able to see the smug arrogance washed from her face when she was informed of the one phone per customer policy. I have no doubt that every other person in line was well aware of this policy and was making every attempt to contain their laughter over this woman’s $800 mistake.

“Money talks,” but you can’t buy intelligence.

Any shred of credibility that MTV was clinging to in the entertainment industry was destroyed last night during their annual MTV Movie Awards. Having not tuned in for their broadcast in the past decade I decided to give it a chance this year.

This was my first mistake.

The red carpet show was nothing more then a half hour of shameless promotion for the summer blockbuster flick Transformers, which stars a bunch of no-name actors with absolutely nothing interesting to say. Assuming the endless plugs and repetitive “exclusive clips” would end with the preshow was my second mistake.

The shows only redeeming quality was host Sarah Silverman’s relentless attacks on her fellow celebrities, most notably Paris Hilton. She is such a bitch and I love every minute of it. After the opening monologue had ended, so did anything that resembled entertainment. From that point on the show would be dedicated strictly to self-promotion and more nauseatingly drawn out Transformers promotions.

Now, it’s one thing to dump a monster marketing budget into one event and force feed your stars and trailer on the viewers, but the tactics employed by Transformers and supported by MTV sunk to a new low. Toward the end of the show, a new award was announced: ‘Best Summer Movie You Haven’t Seen’. At first I was interested, thinking this might be an attempt by MTV to pay homage to all of the great films not staring Will Ferrell or Sasha Baron Cohen. This was my third and biggest mistake.

This year’s award for the ‘Best Summer Movie You Haven’t Seen’ goes to, you guessed it— Transformers. God dammit that was the last straw! After the cast was done parading around the stage with a false sense of accomplishment, they returned to present the very next award for ‘Best Movie’ and, once again, remind us of the July 4th release date.

Although the list of unimpressive nominees included perennial MTV heavyweights like Johnny Depp and Will Ferrell, I couldn’t help but think that Transformers would somehow manage to pull this one out too. Fortunately I was once again mistaken as ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 2’ took home the grand prize. Finally, it’s over! But wait…

The show was immediately followed by a Transformers themed skit by MTV.

Then a Chevrolet commercial featuring the cars from Transformers.

Then the official trailer for Transformers.

I had to change the channel before I threw my remote through the television. The sad part is, I’ll still see the movie (I just won’t pay for it). As for the MTV Movie Awards— I’ll catch you in another decade.

 
Despite Giuliani’s best efforts to clean up the streets of New York City, Times Square is still dangerous. What is this world coming to that children aren’t even safe while Mom is distracted by a break dance circle?

Parents— it’s time to put your children on a leash to protect them from getting served.

This past weekend I went on my annual Canoe Trip down the Delaware River, a topic I have written about in the past and will likely recall tales of again in the future.

For the first time since my very first trip 4 years ago, the weather was great. So great, in fact, that I decided to enjoy the sun’s rays sunscreen-free for 6 straight hours while floating down the river. This seemed like a good idea at the time, but, as it turned out, was not. At all.

The next morning I was walking around the campsite like a robot, unable to bend my arms or legs. Sitting and standing became the most painful movements imaginable. I was obviously very miserable, but my misfortune provided everyone else with a good laugh. Canoe Trip is the wrong place to look for sympathy.

Over the course of this afternoon I have emptied two entire bottles of Cocoa Butter lotion into my burning red skin. Relief has never stung so badly. I’m also looking forward to waking up in piles of skin flakes for the next week. Kids, don’t forget your sunscreen.

Keith Richards will always be a legend for his music, but he will also be remembered for being the personification of a true rock star. Despite decades of complete disregard for moderation when using drugs and alcohol, Richards inexplicably continues to defy death. While he has always had a decadent reputation, he outdid himself this time. In comments published Tuesday, the 63-year-old Rolling Stones guitarist said he had snorted his father’s ashes mixed with cocaine.

“The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father,” Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME.

“He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared,” he said. “… It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”

Richards, who was No. 1 on the ‘who’s likely to die’ list for an entire decade, was “really disappointed” when he fell off the list.

Rock on, Keith.

* * UPDATE * *

So it turns out this story isn’t actually true (according to his manager), but it sounded legitimate enough. Allow me to atone for this mistake with a true story about Ozzy Osbourne. While on tour with Mötley Crüe, Ozzy got into a cocaine-snorting contest with their bassist Nikki Sixx. Once the blow was gone, he proceeded to snort a line of ants off of a popsicle stick. Did I mention this was at a hotel swimming pool and he was wearing one of Sharon’s sundresses? Anyways, the two then engaged in a gross-out contest, which ended in Ozzy licking Sixx’s urine off the cement. You won’t find these types of stories in the memoirs of Nickleback. I miss the days when rock stars actually lived the lifestyle.

Chytoria Graham of Erie, PA pleaded guilty today to aggravated assault and endangering the welfare of a child after swinging her 4-week-old son like a baseball bat at her boyfriend during a fight. Graham admitted taking the infant by the feet and swinging him, fracturing the infants skull on impact. Her reason— depression.

My blood boils when I see scumbags like this get off with a slap on the wrist after claiming some bullshit medical condition. I’ll tell you what would be depressing to me— getting my skull crushed after being used as a weapon by my own mother. It’s disgusting to think that this woman could possibly get away with rotting in jail for only 5 years. Cases of this nature call for a more creative and suitable punishment. Forget prison— wrap her in barbed wire, then roll her down a rocky hill into a large vat of salt. That would be something to be depressed about.

Did I mention she has three other children and is currently pregnant with a fifth? Why is it that the most unfit parents are always the ones that continue to reproduce? Give these kids a chance in life and put them up for adoption. Honestly, what does she need another baby for? I have one theory: baby nunchucks.

Having always been a supporter of the Sony brand, it has been disappointing to watch it crash and burn over the past year due to the turmoil surrounding their latest offering to the gaming world— the PlayStation 3. This video, to the tune of The Fray’s “How to Save a Life,” points out some of the more obvious ways Sony killed its own brand. Granted Wii, PS3 and 360 all rhyme, this is still an awesomely creative song.

The gaming industry has changed drastically in recent years, and Sony has either overlooked or ignored this fact. When Microsoft entered the market with the Xbox in 2001, it changed the the dynamics of the industry as we once knew it. Strong brands such as Nintendo and Sony could no longer depend on platform loyalties like they had in the past. They needed to differentiate through innovation instead of simply making cosmetic improvements to past products.

Nintendo obviously got the hint— releasing the remarkably successful and innovative Wii. Microsoft found a niche with their online community, Xbox Live— enabling casual gamers like me to verbally berate 12-year-olds of superior skill. This is an obvious attempt to compensate for my inability to adapt to today’s overly complicated game play, but satisfying nonetheless. Sony, on the other hand, thought that the strength of it’s PlayStation brand would be enough for it to survive the platform wars. When Wii sales proved it wasn’t just a novelty and online communities revolutionized gaming, Sony was left reeling.

So what was the PS3’s fatal flaw? It’s simple— it was late, expensive and incompatible. When it was announced in spring of 2005, it had the opportunity to drive a stake through the heart of Nintendo by beating them to market with this next generation system. Nintendo effectively stole the PS3’s thunder by releasing the cheaper, more innovative Wii while Sony was still struggling with manufacturing delays. Cost was another major flaw. While the $600 price tag is actually quite reasonable for the amount of technology packed into this system, it makes it inaccessible to a majority of its target audience.

Ignoring the needs of the consumer was Sony’s most fatal flaw. Giving the consumer the option to buy these features on an à la carte basis, like the Xbox 360’s HD-DVD drive, would have made a tremendous difference. Forcing Blu-ray down our throats in an attempt to use influence to win the format wars was not well received. Ignoring gamers demand for online communities was just stupid. When the consumer is clear in what it wants, why wouldn’t you listen?

With all of this said, what is Sony’s only hope? That the PS3 spontaneously combusts like their batteries, destroying all evidence of this colossal mistake.