I don’t even know where to start about this one. I’m disgusted. Not only at the fact that this was the most horribly cheesy thing I’ve ever seen, but at the fact that Vermont Teddy Bear could be so incredibly shameless. What shallow, clueless people could this product possibly be marketed towards? I’m very sorry for the disillusioned guys who I know watched this and thought that this was the foolproof way to guarantee your girl’s “surprise.” It won’t, I assure you. But, if it does, I would ask what boyfriends have given her in the past and proceed to feel very insecure.

Who are these people? Let me meet the guy who has a heart tattooed on his arm with “LOVE” written across it. Better yet, let me meet that same guy while he is staring adoringly at the tattoo. This will provide me the perfect opportunity to deliver a “beargram” in the form of a roundhouse kick to his temple. Call your friendly ‘Bear Counselor’ about that.

My business card says ‘Creative’, which is about as dull and all-encompassing of a statement as you could possibly come up with. Not even an attempt at embellishment. Irony aside, the possibility of this title describing a desirable job certainly exists. On the other hand, ‘Bear Counselor’, no matter how you twist it, sounds ridiculous.

Whose life do they think this nauseatingly cliché nonsense resonates with? I’m insulted for every self-respecting girl and every guy with a touch of originality out there. Don’t insult my intelligence. You don’t want a roundhouse kick from this.